I will give you…perfect peace | Yarn|Hook|Needles

Woman resting on a comfortable chair indoors during the day with her feet up while cradling her child on her lap.

Only a few hours after surgery Jonathan lay in his hospital bed with little restraints on his arms. They were there to ensure he wouldn’t damage any of the work done by the surgeon.

Monitors, oxygen and a syringe feeder were all there along with several nurses.

As I sat in the chair doing everything I could to try and console him he did what he always does whenever he is mad…screamed so hard he held his breath and began to turn blue.

On the outside I was silent.

On the inside I was screaming…”God help him! Make this stop! Make this all go away!”

 

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It didn’t matter what I did for him, I was helpless. I am his mom. I am supposed to know everything he needs and I am supposed to be the one to make everything better. But I couldn’t…I couldn’t do anything to make him stop crying.

As I laid him back down in the hospital crib, I started sobbing. The nurse quickly looked at me in startled amazement. Up until this point I had kept myself together quite well. I wasn’t showing signs of stress or upset. So when all of my emotions came flooding to a head she was shocked.

I was shocked too.

Her kindness and reassurance helped me to leave the room for a little bit and clear my thoughts and my head.

 

My husband gently comforted me as we walked to the rec room to seek solace and a light snack. He and I didn’t say much. We gave friendly smiles to the other parents who were in the room as well. As I gathered a few things I thought my stomach could tolerate my mind drifted.

I began to recall the mothers my husband had told me about that are having to leave their children alone on the mountains. Their hopes were to protect their little ones from the oncoming threat of ISIS.

I tried to imagine what it would have been like to be one of those moms. Kissing your scared little one and trying to reassure them everything would be okay and that they would see them soon. All the while knowing this might be the last time they would be together. The helplessness they must have felt…I can only imagine.

 

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All throughout this journey God has been trying to get me to understand…I am helpless. There isn’t anything I can do to fix the situation. There’s nothing I can say or try that will make it all better. He is the One in control and He is the One deciding things.

 

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When we got back home things weren’t much easier.

 

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One night as my husband was putting our other children to bed I paced our bedroom floor. As I held Jonathan screaming in my arms I weeped and poured my heart out to the Lord.

As a musician I find great comfort in songs that capture my feelings and emotions not only lyrically but musically as well.

I felt the Lord recalling one song in particular to mind…

 

Stay close by My side

Keep your eyes on Me

Though this life is hard

I will give you perfect peace

In this time of trial

Pain that no one sees

Trust Me when I say…

That I will give you perfect peace

And you’ll never walk alone

And you’ll never be in need

Though I may not calm the storms around you

You can hide in Me

Burdens that you bear

Offer no relief

Let Me bear your load

‘Cause I will give you perfect peace

Stay close by My side

And you’ll never walk alone

Keep your eyes on Me

And you’ll never be in need

Though this life is hard

know that I will always give you perfect peace

I will give you…perfect peace

 

Later that night I was browsing facebook and I saw that a long time friend of my family had just lost her husband earlier that day.

 

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I was instantly humbled and reminded, no matter what, things can always be worse than what they are. Yes I have a child who is facing many hardships in his little life. In fact, he has faced them since the moment he was born. He has many years ahead of him where he will be coming against difficulties.

He won’t have the “baby” experience that most other children will get.

but…

He’s alive and he’s fighting every step of the way. God is so good and so faithful to His children. I have seen time and time again where He comforts me with His father love and reassures me He’s always right here with me. He’s here giving me His perfect peace.

While in the hospital I began reading a small yet powerful book by John Piper. Its title is ‘When the Darkness Will Not Lift’.

Here is a small excerpt from chapter 2

“Consider the experience of David in Psalm 40:1-3;

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.

The king of Israel is in “the pit of destruction” and “the miry bog” -descriptions of his spiritual condition. The song of praise is coming, he says, but it is not now on his lips. It is as if David had fallen into a deep, dark well and plunged into life-threatening mud. There was one other time when David wrote about this kind of experience. He combined the images of mud and flood: “Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me” (Psalm 69:1-2)

In this pit of mud and destruction there is a sense of helplessness and desperation. Suddenly air, just air, is worth a million dollars. Helplessness, desperation, apparent hopelessness, the breaking point for the overworked businessman, the outer limits of exasperation for the mother of three constantly crying children, the impossible expectations of too many classes in school, the grinding stress of lingering illness, the imminent attack of a powerful enemy. It is good that we don’t know what the experience was. It makes it easier to see ourselves in the pit with the king. Anything that causes a sense of helplessness and desperation and threatens to ruin life or take it away — that is the king’s pit.”

I know that my song of praise will come. I don’t have it right now, but, I will have it soon. One thing I am so thankful for is when God encourages me right when I need it most.

Last night as I struggled to get little Jonathan calmed down and asleep, I was plagued once again with all the feelings of being overwhelmed etc.

Then, I heard my phone go off. After I finished getting him settled and somewhat calm I walked over to check my phone. It was a text message from a sweet friend. She was asking how things had been going. Without opening the floodgates of emotion, I stated some of the things I was battling at the moment. Then, she said something that I needed to hear at that exact moment in time…

“I will definitely be praying for peace for you and wisdom as you take care of him. It’s hard, but you are doing amazing, and are just the exact momma that he needs.”

I needed to hear that…because I daily battle the thoughts of “I can’t do this! God picked the wrong person for handling this situation”.

But when God speaks to my desperate heart through friends saying things like my friend did last night. It’s as if God is holding onto me tightly and whispering…”I’m right here with you. We are going to do this together.”

God doesn’t always make everything better. Sometimes He allows things to remain hard and difficult. King David was dubbed, “the man after God’s own heart”. I’m starting to understand why. He endured some things that most people would crumble from. He constantly cried out in desperation with each trial.

I want to be more like David.

I want my heart to be desperate and broken before God because I know that when I am like this…God is glorified. His power is shown in my weakness. His glory is evident when I am at my breaking point. His love is present when I feel like I have nothing else to give.

 

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Even in the midst of trials. Even when I cry silent tears in the darkness of the night. He always bestows His perfect peace on my momma heart.

For His faithful and steadfast love…I am thankful

“Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6

-Jerica

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