These were the words I heard last week from my midwife.
Many thoughts raced through my mind.
Does this mean I’ll need to go to the hospital?
Will my labor and delivery be the hardest I’ve had so far?
My mind raced as I drove home to my family thinking of all the possibilities with a breech birth.
I came home and explained to my husband everything and we decided to make the sonogram something fun for the kids by going ahead and finding out what baby #6 was.
The time came for the appointment and we were ready to see what direction this baby was in.
A squirt of the warm jelly on my tummy and we were on our way!
“Well”, she says, ” looks like head is down and baby is perfect position!”
“Are you kidding?”, says my midwife.
I begin laughing and breathing a sigh of relief. We quickly find out we are expecting our 3rd boy and everyone is excited our “teams” are now even.
So we proceed on with measuring, “ohhinng” and “awwwing” over the hands, feet, spine etc.
Then I saw it…
As she moved the camera over his little baby face I saw what I hoped I wasn’t seeing.
I say aloud, “Is that a cleft lip?”
No response from anyone.
She continues going back and forth examining, checking and rechecking and then again I see it. This time my husband notices.
“Is that a cleft lip?”
Silence fills the room.
A few more movements and she takes the camera off, drops her head and calls my midwife over to the chair.
They both look at me and with heavy faces say, “Yes you DID see what you thought you saw. He has a cleft lip.”
My momma heart sank.
All the dreams and moments I was looking forward to suddenly changed.
I wasn’t going to hold a perfectly formed angel baby in my arms. At least not from our worlds standards.
I was faced with the reality of hospitals, doctors, surgeries and a host of other complications and changes that no mother ever expects whether it’s your first or your 12th.
It was hard to swallow but I managed to walk out of the office without losing it.
I got in to our car and then let go of the tears I simply couldn’t hold back anymore.
My feelings shifted from being eager for this little ones arrival to wanting to keep him safely tucked away in my womb for forever.
The ride back home was quiet and the excitement of our church Christmas banquet was all that could fill the minds of our children.
My husband and I didn’t talk much.
I believe we were both trying to process everything just thrown on us.
Some might say finding out your child will be born with a physical deformity such as cleft lip isn’t really that big of deal.
I understand that.
I know there is always something worse which could happen and I don’t take away from those who lose their babies before they’re born or the babies born and only live for a few hours.
One thing we should never do is act as though a trial such as this is minor and unimportant.
You never know what a situation of hardship is like until you find yourself in one.
We have been blessed to have a church family filled with loving, compassionate and sympathetic people.
When I shared with them what we found out, the extension of love and support was overwhelming.
I’m so grateful to God for each of them and the gift they are to my life.
Now we wait until little Jonathan makes his debut.
In the meantime we are praying even more, living life a little slower and preparing as best we can for the changes which will consume our life in the coming year(s).
I’ll have to learn an entirely new way to feed this little guy. Also how to care for his post surgery(ies) wounds etc.
I know we will have good days and bad days.
I know I will cry and then praise God for moments He will our family to be a gospel witness.
It’s a new chapter and journey.
One which the Lord has divinely given.
These things are never what someone wishes but they are opportunities to show Christ. He’s called us to this and I’m grateful to be given the opportunity to be this little guy’s momma.
The blog will definitely be an outlet for me as I walk through this journey.
I’m grateful to have a place to record my thoughts and Jonathan will have something to look back through for himself one day.
One phrase I’ve come back to several times over the last 48hrs is this
God’s will is not always easy but it is always right.”
How true are these words for me today…
- None Found